Sorry, yesterday's kind of a blur-a good blur. I dread my birthdays, not because of any fear of aging (I like getting old, like I'm growing into myself) but because historically, they're filled with trauma and unpleasantness. Dramatic episodes from my childhood that I don't really remember-I just remember remembering how much I disliked them. Part of my narrative, and funny to think about now that I question both my own story and my definitions of trauma...Traum is dream, in German.
I'm a scientist-we're all scientists, right? Methodists with methods, all along a spectrum of metaphors for experimentation and hypothesis. "Common Sense" or "Right and Wrong" or "Logic" are all just shorthand for the paradigms we've developed after years of personal experimentation. Input and results, analysis...I'm providing you with some of my current window, but it wouldn't fit perfectly with any of my Previous iterations, and won't (I imagine) be relevant Later. Nonetheless, this is supposed to be a journal of personal truth and accountability (really!) and I've been lax behind angst and cannabis for too long lately. I just have to come out and say it.
I've been experimenting on my mind for some time now. Not pharmacologically (most of the time) but memetically. If I'm a collection of recorded data (rarely accurate) sensory experience (ditto, but at least I'm present and up-to-date) and some sort of engine-that-simulates, some creative element that allows me to construct imaginary versions of the sensory experience using pieces of my recorded data...wait, let me back up.
Most of how I operate comes down to what I believe-what's good, what's bad, the value I attach to things and how I imagine everything interacts. Those beliefs about the physical world, the social world (the Rest of You) and myself come together in my head to determine what actions I'll take. I don't do things that I imagine will have results I don't want.
(For what it's worth, I sort of assume that this model works for y'all's behavior as well. Not that I want to anticipate your behavior or anything. Ask me about my results.)
So if I have these beliefs, these things that answer my why/what/how/who questions, then can't I change them? Identify them and challenge them, develop new beliefs, move on. Hypothesis, experimentation, theory...I'm a fucking scientist. And while it's not always predictable, I can't describe to you how effective it's been. I can be a different person if I want. Constantly, deliberately. It's a very powerful feeling.
I'm a scientist-we're all scientists, right? Methodists with methods, all along a spectrum of metaphors for experimentation and hypothesis. "Common Sense" or "Right and Wrong" or "Logic" are all just shorthand for the paradigms we've developed after years of personal experimentation. Input and results, analysis...I'm providing you with some of my current window, but it wouldn't fit perfectly with any of my Previous iterations, and won't (I imagine) be relevant Later. Nonetheless, this is supposed to be a journal of personal truth and accountability (really!) and I've been lax behind angst and cannabis for too long lately. I just have to come out and say it.
I've been experimenting on my mind for some time now. Not pharmacologically (most of the time) but memetically. If I'm a collection of recorded data (rarely accurate) sensory experience (ditto, but at least I'm present and up-to-date) and some sort of engine-that-simulates, some creative element that allows me to construct imaginary versions of the sensory experience using pieces of my recorded data...wait, let me back up.
Most of how I operate comes down to what I believe-what's good, what's bad, the value I attach to things and how I imagine everything interacts. Those beliefs about the physical world, the social world (the Rest of You) and myself come together in my head to determine what actions I'll take. I don't do things that I imagine will have results I don't want.
(For what it's worth, I sort of assume that this model works for y'all's behavior as well. Not that I want to anticipate your behavior or anything. Ask me about my results.)
So if I have these beliefs, these things that answer my why/what/how/who questions, then can't I change them? Identify them and challenge them, develop new beliefs, move on. Hypothesis, experimentation, theory...I'm a fucking scientist. And while it's not always predictable, I can't describe to you how effective it's been. I can be a different person if I want. Constantly, deliberately. It's a very powerful feeling.
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