Slice of Life

It's revealing, I think, how pleased I was to find this. I was very pleased. I was fucking stoked, frankly. Take away from it what you will.

The Grim Inevitability of Death

Is dense and comforting, like a duvet. I've got books and books, my metacortex and my 'pataphysics and my memories. We're all just dogs doing calculus, but I'll be a scientist. Since I'm already a scientist.

Things I've liked lately have led to things I've misunderstood in a way that improves them for me. Like these. While I can respect the work, I don't agree with much of the sentiment. I did end up with "Hiding your motives is despicable." which encapsulates my personal philosophy nicely, I think. Parts of it anyway.

Misanthropomorphic Principle. Strong.

That's a thing, a reference. There's several concepts and contexts that are necessary to glean the meanings in my everyday conversation or blogging or what have you. For example, today I had a conversation with a pair of co-workers about our peppers. Dried peppers, in a bag. Same brand, same thing, but different iterations of nomenclature, in which some were labeled New Mexico Peppers and others Nuevo Mexico Peppers. When asked the difference, I said the latter were more like a flock of seagulls.

One of them got it.

And I don't like being obscure, or impenetrable. It's not pleasant, or easy for either of us. But at the same time, I have this whole thing about not adapting or adopting behaviors for the benefit of You (whoever you are), because I don't think it's fair or honest to assume/presuppose what's good for you. Even if that means I'm not easy, or pleasant. And while I respect my purposes and my results...lately it's been making me unhappy, the rest of you and I.

A good friend at Cthulhu Xmas (I'm trying to take the Christ out. I need some sort of corer) described attention as a human currency. That's a new idea for me, an unsettling one. I'm hoarding right now, waiting for some sort of deflation to set in.

Weighing In

Sorry, yesterday's kind of a blur-a good blur. I dread my birthdays, not because of any fear of aging (I like getting old, like I'm growing into myself) but because historically, they're filled with trauma and unpleasantness. Dramatic episodes from my childhood that I don't really remember-I just remember remembering how much I disliked them. Part of my narrative, and funny to think about now that I question both my own story and my definitions of trauma...Traum is dream, in German.

I'm a scientist-we're all scientists, right? Methodists with methods, all along a spectrum of metaphors for experimentation and hypothesis. "Common Sense" or "Right and Wrong" or "Logic" are all just shorthand for the paradigms we've developed after years of personal experimentation. Input and results, analysis...I'm providing you with some of my current window, but it wouldn't fit perfectly with any of my Previous iterations, and won't (I imagine) be relevant Later. Nonetheless, this is supposed to be a journal of personal truth and accountability (really!) and I've been lax behind angst and cannabis for too long lately. I just have to come out and say it.

I've been experimenting on my mind for some time now. Not pharmacologically (most of the time) but memetically. If I'm a collection of recorded data (rarely accurate) sensory experience (ditto, but at least I'm present and up-to-date) and some sort of engine-that-simulates, some creative element that allows me to construct imaginary versions of the sensory experience using pieces of my recorded data...wait, let me back up.

Most of how I operate comes down to what I believe-what's good, what's bad, the value I attach to things and how I imagine everything interacts. Those beliefs about the physical world, the social world (the Rest of You) and myself come together in my head to determine what actions I'll take. I don't do things that I imagine will have results I don't want.

(For what it's worth, I sort of assume that this model works for y'all's behavior as well. Not that I want to anticipate your behavior or anything. Ask me about my results.)

So if I have these beliefs, these things that answer my why/what/how/who questions, then can't I change them? Identify them and challenge them, develop new beliefs, move on. Hypothesis, experimentation, theory...I'm a fucking scientist. And while it's not always predictable, I can't describe to you how effective it's been. I can be a different person if I want. Constantly, deliberately. It's a very powerful feeling.

Opting Out

Pulling this out, only an hour left. It's been a year. I had several adjectives there...abandoned them all. I'm reluctant to assign a moral component.

But here we are-thanks for coming, it's nice to see you. I've made no effort this time around, and I'm enjoying the novelty. Hunkered down, nested like a matrioska brain. Maybe I'm biding my time, gathering my chi. Marshaling, rallying, getting ready. Or not. What?

What makes you think I know? You know what, screw this. Tomorrow. I'm doing this tomorrow. This has been Previous Me. Later Me will have more to say.

Syncitium

I've been dreaming. I don't, usually. But the last few days, even a week or two...my subconscious's jumped up by an order of magnitude. Last night I dreamt of lye, and burns.

It gives me hope to see you dead.

This is the last day of an old year. I know how that sounds, what day it is. In as much as I'm trying to eliminate the arbitrary, have a reason for everything...the calendar's not cutting it. My calendar's different-it's the 8th that'll be a new me (Thirty-three this time. I'm having a passion play) but from a purely mathematical standpoint, I like the perihelion. It'll be a cusp day, an ending. And while the solstice certainly counts too, it's a little heavy with historical baggage for my taste. So yeah, the perihelion. At nine minutes after midnight tonight, GMT, we'll be as close to the sun as we'll be for another year. That seems like it's worth noting.